Do One New Thing in the Next Year

What does your New Year look like?

Last year, I decided to try to do at least one new thing, so I quickly jotted down 4 or 5 things that sounded interesting. Actually, when you think about it, how often do we just keep doing the same old things? Sure, we may go to a different place on vacation or something, but generally we do the same job, maintain our relationships and amuse ourselves in a "tried and true" fashion - humans have a hard time changing!

Now ideally when you write down a new thought, it's best to keep that list in an often seen location to ensure you'll be reminded. However, I quickly got distracted as I not only kept doing my job but in fact I had set some new goals for myself, primarily around my counseling practice. I started conducting regular workshops, recording CD's and started this blog.

In addition to a time of personal change, a new pastor came to our church, bringing exciting growth that we quickly embraced. In the fall, our new Fine Arts pastor announced he was starting acting classes. I was intrigued by this -- who would have ever thought you could go to acting classes at a church? (Not from my background anyway) His plans to use plays, musicals and even a movie for outreach sounded like something I wanted to check out, so I signed up.

Two days later, I was reorganizing material on my desk when I ran across my "try a new thing" list. Amazingly to me, "acting" was number two on the list! I had no recollection of writing that and immediately felt so grateful and overwhelmed that I began to weep. Did God really care enough about me that he orchestrated many changes around me to meet a stated, albeit forgotten, desire of my heart? Yes, He did. I knew it then; I know it now. Of course, I wasn't the only person who benefitted from these changes, but I was certainly included! I also know He'll do the same for you; remember, "ask and you shall receive." Maybe there's a little "new thing" you want to check out; perhaps there's a major new direction you want to follow. Write it down; see what happens.

When I wrote last month about "grow or decay," it's important to remember that growing doesn't have to be huge -- in fact, sometimes that can become overwhelming and we never start. A little change often begins an avalanche of movement, and we're the better for it. I challenge you to take a few minutes now and quickly write a few things you might want to try. Who knows? Maybe 3, 6 or 9 months later you'll run across that list and discover a desire of your heart has come to pass.

You're Not Too Old & It's Never Too Late

Sometimes when I contemplate expanding my vision by additional speaking, or writing a book or even smaller tasks such as selling CD's from my workshops or the T-shirts I designed, old thoughts such as "you're too old" or "who do you think you are? This could never happen!" creap in. However, a couple of things keep me going.

First of all, it's so exciting to be filled with new purpose! At 62, I'm happier, healthier and closer to God than I've ever been. Secondly, I remember people like Colonel Sanders of Kentucky Fried Chicken fame. He was 65 years old when his business became a household word. I'm inspired by perhaps lesser-known people like the local head of AARP; she's a petite dynamo who received her master's in nursing at the age of 60 and is still going strong many years later.

Barnum (of Barnum and Bailey reknown) was 60 years old when "The Greatest Show on Earth" made its debut." Ray Kroc, creator of the McDonald's franchise, was over 50 when he earned his first millions. Dr. William Welch, founder of Welch's Grape Juice, became a doctor, then switched to dentistry. He was 60 years old when he realized he could earn big bucks by extracting juice rather than teeth.

Perhaps considered a babe in arms by my "60 - you're not too old" criteria, John Grisham was still 45 years old when he became a best-selling author. I'm also encouraged to see Cher giving a farewell performance, looking and sounding fantastic at age 60; Paul Newman led his team to victory in a car racing event in Italy when he was 82 years old.

Another phrase that strikes "fear to my grow old heart-set" is: You grow or you decay. Those who choose to stop growing start decaying, then sit around and wait to die. Not my desire! As I reflect on my life, I guess I've always been a "late bloomer" anyway. I remember being the ripe old age of 20 and not yet married. While that might not sound significant these days, when and where I grew up, the "formula" was: girls go to high school, get married immediately (some even in their senior year) and start a family. When I was 3 years post-high school and still not married, with (gasp! even worse!) no boyfriend in sight, I was doomed for old maid status.

I recall vividly the November night I knelt by my bed and reluctantly, although quite seriously, told God that obviously since he meant for me never to marry, I guess I'd go be a missionary to the Indians. I often tell people that God must have received this prayer and said, "Oh no, I couldn't do that to those poor Indians" and by the end of the following January I met my husband-to-be, who ironically enough perhaps, was the son of missionaries -- to American Indians.

As if that wasn't sufficient ammunition for my "you're not too old" arsenal, I received another opportunity to demonstrate God isn't through with you just because you're almost 50. My husband and I went to college for the first time in our 40's. Frankly, I accompanied him solely at his request; I was doing just fine, thank you. I'd worked my way up the ladder at the clinic where I'd been for 18 years, and that was just with on-the-job training. My "formula" remember, never included girls going to college, and I was following it faithfully.

I wondered, when starting our drive to school in Colorado Springs 4 nights a week + every Saturday, all year long for 4 years, what possible purpose could God have in mind for my getting a bachelor's degree after all this time. That question was answered when I lost my job while we were still in college. Now, what was I to do? Long story short, I continued my education, got my master's degree in counseling and began an entirely new career. I must say, truthfully, that while I really liked my previous job, I absolutely love what I'm now doing!

So whenever you start to think, "I'm too old (or too young or too whatever)....." why don't you instead join this late bloomer in a life of purpose, passion and determination to keep growing. Barb

Become What You Believe

"We'll be lucky if all she loses is her leg," reported the doctor tearfully. "She's so young; I wish it were me," he continued and requested permission to amputate my leg below the knee, as he believed this was a malignancy.

Thus began a 15-year saga which included eight surgeries to remove a rare tumor on my right leg that kept appearing, first around my toes and ankle, then moving to several sites close to my knee. In addition to surgery, medical interventions included chemotherapy drugs, steroid injections and proposed radiation.

What's a Christian to do? I of course prayed, beseeching God for healing; however, it seemed, to quote an old phrase, the heavens were brass. No answer. No healing. An ever-increasing rapid cycle of undergoing surgery began to evolve into a familiar although unwanted schedule. Every 18 months I'd plan on checking into the hospital, be in a wheelchair for weeks and slowly recover just in time, it seemed, to have another surgery!

Finally, a Denver surgeon diagnosed a desmoid tumor and informed us that some patients had had limbs amputated for fear of cancer, only to have the tumor appear above the amputation site! Thank God for my husband who kept refusing to allow my leg to be amputated until other opinions were sought or medical necessity dictated that course of action. Dr. Wilkins went on to say that trauma triggers growth of these tumors, and surgery was certainly traumatic! He recommended no further surgery be done; however, it seemed no other course was open to me. The tumor wrapped itself around joints, nerves and muscles and threatened to cut off the blood supply.

Enter an answer to prayer in an unexpected fashion. One day, I just "happened" to be watching a true story on TV about a woman who, after being told she was terminally ill, sought alternative treatments. To make a long story short, I did the same and thankfully, the tumors stopped appearing although I was left with much residual scar tissue, "hardware" in my leg, missing tendons, severed nerves and a pronounced limp.

I read in Matthew 9 the story of two blind men who came to Jesus asking to be healed. "Do you believe I am able to do this?" "Yes, Lord," they replied. Then he touched their eyes and their sight was restored. Eugene Peterson, in The Message says, "Become what you believe." How could I become what I believed? I believe God orchestrated a means for my healing. If I believed that, I could also believe He would help me walk normally again.

My first step was to ask Him very specifically for what I wanted -- Philippians 4:6 states, "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." I was certainly extremely grateful I still had my leg and was able to walk, even if I walked with a limp. So really my first step was prayerful thanksgiving followed by a specific request - I want to walk with equal strength and balance on both legs.

My next task was to become aware of my abnormal walking pattern. Through 15 years of painful aftermaths of surgery, I realized I'd been favoring that right leg, first from painful necessity, then just from a habit which developed into "Barbra's walk" - a lifestyle limp. When I deliberately put weight on that leg and foot, I was pleasantly surprised to discover it didn't hurt! From that realization came a renewed determination to become what I believe - I can walk normally.

It's been 10 years since my last surgery, and many people, unaware of my past expereinces, are very surprised to hear that walking without a limp was ever an issue in my life. I know this "faith walk" is literally and spiritually a process in which I continue to be grateful every day, affirm my intention to walk normally, practice placing my full weight on my leg and keep on becoming what I beleive - a walking, talking testimony of God's goodness and healing power.

Rewards of a Positive Mental Attitude

"Every day in every way I'm getting better and better" - This positive affirmation, developed by French psychiatrist Emile Coue around 1920 was repeated often by his patients and created such improvements that his method became the talk of medical and scientific circles, first in Europe, then in America where he was booked on a lecture tour. At one of his early speaking engagements here, a cynical newspaper reporter made a joke of the technique which followed Coue wherever he spoke. The press coverage was so negative he cancelled his tour and returned to practice in Europe. (Because of language the reporter used, contact me if you want the quote)

Dr. Coue's belief was if you give the subconscious a positive instruction, but leave it open enough that it did not tell the subconscious how to do it, the mind could influence the body toward health. And that was exactly what was happening in his practice. Lately, there has been a resurgence of research and literature which backs up this thesis. I believe this is why test results demonstrate the effectiveness of prayer - when there is a "sacrifice of praise," those prayers go right to the subconscious, the powerful process used in our spiritual being.

I recently ran across 10 rewards of a persistent positive mental attitude, as well as accompanying 10 consequences of a persistent negative mental attitude that are worth contemplating. (Remember.... as a man thinketh.)

Penalties of negative thinking:

1. Poverty and misery your entire life
2. Mental and physical ailments of all kinds
3. Self-limitations which trap you in mediocrity
4. Fear and all its destructive consequences
5. Hatred of the means by which you support yourself
6. Many enemies and few friends
7. Every brand of worry known to humanity
8. Being a victim of every negative influence you encounter
9. Subjection to the will of others
10. A wasted life which does nothing to better the human condition.

By contrast, here are 10 attributes of positive attitudes:

1. Success consciousness
2. Sound health, both physical and mental
3. Financial independence
4. A labor of love in which to express yourself
5. Peace of mind
6. Applied faith, which makes fear impossible
7. Enduring friendships
8. Longevity and a well-balanced life
9. Immunity from self-limitation
10. The wisdom to understand yourself and others

Which will you choose? If you don't choose to embrace a positive attitude wholeheartedly, the effects of negative attitudes will be forced upon you. Remember, it all starts with gratitude for what you already have and a continual mindset which looks for the blessings in your life, rather than the problems. Problems are to be the focus of a plan to be addressed, not a focus of your life.

Become a ROCK STAR

Have you asked yourself lately (or ever): "What's it like to live with me?" We love to contemplate how loving and good we are, and we have plenty of reasons to excuse our inattentiveness to our relationships. One couple took this assignment to heart, asking family members, college roommates and others who were willing to provide honest feedback. She was told how thoughtful, nurturing and caring she was. Then came the stinger: "do you know how controlling you can be?"

Likewise, the husband was honored to hear how his strong work ethic, dependability and responsibility were hallmarks of a wonderful guy. Of course, he had a "but..." also. His sounded like this, "yeah, but sometimes you get so angry, man; I don't want to be around you. You can also be very self-centered."

How would others, and most importantly, your partner, answer the question, "What are you like to live with?" Maybe you'd like to take up that challenge - will you be surprised?

It's important for each partner to look at him or herself and never try to solve a problem by asking your partner to change. I gave some examples last blog posting from a woman's point of view - often, they're the ones who need to "zip the lip." Men are usually surprised to hear, however, that when women complain they're actually trying to improve the relationship. Just as men are primarily visual and logical, women are more verbal and emotional. A marriage will improve when a woman carefully monitors her mouth; it will also improve when a man seeks connection with his wife.

I can hear the men saying, "How do I do that? I don't have a clue." It's easy - just notice what she does. Both men and women will show their love in the way they want to be loved. For example, men, have you ever noticed your wife will ask you lots of questions? She asks about your day, what went on at work, how you're feeling, etc. etc. She's trying to connect with you. If you do the same to her, listening closely without trying to fix her problems (remember, she feels better when she talks about her problems) and paying attention to how she feels, she loves it! ("That must have really hurt, honey...." You must feel exhausted, baby...." How exciting that you did ..{x}...... that.") And when she feels loved, guess who she'll want to love back? And guess how she'll show it? You got it, sex for you!

Men often need a break after work, without all the questions or even contact. Then, after they've had time to recuperate, they'll be ready to rejoin the family. However, the myth that men don't talk as much as women is also being overturned. A man loves to talk to his wife when he feels good about himself and feels his wife admires and respects him; i.e., when he feels connected as well.

Pat Love and Steve Stosney give a ROCK STAR acronym on how to connect.

For the man: think of being a strong ROCK

R: Routinely connect to her
O: Open your heart and mind to her - women want to know the good things you're thinking
C: Contact, contact, contact - eye contact, physical contact like hugs - non-sexual, but loving
K: Keep it positive - men don't understand how scary it is for them to be angry

For the woman: think of being a STAR

S: Sex - provides bonding, produces oxytocin - he forgets problems and why he was mad
T: Touching - men truly need touch; 2-3 times required to feel same bonding - they don't ask
A: Appreciation and acceptance - those give meaning to his life
R: Respect his routine - He has one, you can be sure.

Join me in my next blog when I discuss part 3 - Men's job to provide and protect and women's job to tend and befriend. Barb

I {Heart} My Marriage

The other day I wore this T-shirt (the one that says, "I {heart} my marriage.") You should have seen the looks and reactions I got! One divorced lady exclaimed, "You've got to be kidding!" I believe it's been politically incorrect to state, "I love my marriage." We hear about the 50% failure rate of marriages - well, what about the 50% that succeed? And actually, those percentages are changing in favor of success rates higher than 50%. We need to: (1) change the perception of failure and (2) provide the tools to keep the positive marriage momentum going.

Singles are waiting longer to marry because one of their core beliefs is that you give more than you get in marriage, even though many studies have repeatedly shown that married people are more fulfilled, live longer and have happier, healthier lives. Many couples divorce because of their belief that they've just married the wrong person and if they can just find the right one, they'll make it. Some people marry several times trying to prove that theory; unfortunately, they'll never succeed because it's not true.

How, then, can these two things be accomplished? First of all, more of us need to wear the T-shirts! Begin to talk about the good things in marriage. How often have young people heard, "well, son, better go sow your wild oats now. After you get married, things will change! Daughters hear, "enjoy yourself now; just wait 'til the honeymoon's over!" The message? Single = fun; married = drudgery.

Secondly, all couples need to have a tool chest filled with a variety of instruments they can use at various times. An important tool is understanding and respecting gender differences - men and women think, act and communicate differently. (See my previous blog on "His Brain, Her Brain - What a Difference.") Another tool is to learn your own and your partner's personality type. There are many personality assessments; I like to use the DISC model which categorizes each person's dominant personality characteristic as dominant, interactive, stable and cautious.

Then there are communication tools. I often teach couples to use the "Speaker - Listener" exercise in truly hearing what the other is saying. Most often, couples in trouble don't really listen - each just waits for an opportunity to express what is the real truth. There are other tools; learning your spouse's love language, what he or she needs and digging deep to discover unhealed wounds from the past which build walls between them.

Sometimes, that's still not enough. We need to go beyond communicating to change the relationship. Susan Page wrote a book entitled If We're So In Love, Why Aren't We Happy? In that book she discusses old ways and beliefs of interacting and proposes new ways to provide loving actions. One example is the belief, "I'll be happy when my partner changes." We therefore set out to change them. They need to think, believe and do things the right way; i.e., our way.

Sometimes we'll even do this unconsciously. I remember believing my husband would certainly be enriched if I provided another viewpoint. If he was a Monday night quarterback and pointed out what the Denver Broncos should have done on Sunday, I'd say things like "Well, I'm sure Coach Shannahan is paid very well to figure those things out!" If he complained about drivers hogging the road, I'd think how very negative he was being and declare they might just be having a bad day or something. Of course, when I complained, that was different!

John Gottman talks about the dangers of labeling our partners; some couples in my office say things like "he's so immature and irresponsible." "She's just a nag; nothing ever pleases her." Once we place a label, we begin to see that person through the lens of that description and then we're very upset when he continues to be irresponsible or she hasn't changed her nagging ways. People generally live up to our expectations of them.

One method Susan Page suggests is to practice restraint. I call it, "Zip the Lip." You avoid negative comments, defensive responses and avoid fights. After I decided to change my interactions with my husband, I was amazed at the number of negative, defensive or argumentative statements I had been making. No wonder my husband didn't feel safe to talk intimately with me - he could count on my disagreeing with him which made him feel criticized, judged and attacked. That was not my intention, of course, but it certainly was his experience. Another decision I made was to decide to "be happy rather than right." I focused on what I needed to do for myself, rather than continually wanting him to be different.

After a few weeks of practicing my new resolve, I'm happy to report I loved being happy, and I certainly {heart} my marriage!

Join me in my next blog when I talk about more ways to move beyond communication to change your relationship. Barb

WHAT WE SAY IS POWERFUL

Principle: What we say is powerful.
Make sure you are saying the positive things that match what you want.

Scriptures: Proverbs 18:21 - The tongue has the power of life and death.
James 3:10 - With our tongue, we can either bless our life or we can curse our life!

A man once got so depressed, he stated: "I've lost everything - my job, my wife, my house. I'm going to be homeless. I'm going to lose my business that I've put all my retirement money into. My wife is going to divorce me."

Was he really homeless? No. In fact, even though he had moved out of his house, a friend had given him a rent-free apartment for 6 months.

Had he lost everything? No. He feared he was going to. He had a couple of nice vehicles, a motorcycle and other possessions he truly enjoyed.

Had he lost his business? No. He mentioned some large contracts he had just obtained.

Was he divorced? No. He just feared that and focused on it.

In all these areas, he continued to say what he feared most; he continued to focus on those disturbing possibilities. In the worst possible example of a self-fulfilling prophecy, as he kept on describing in the most negative terms his expectations, they began to happen. He did lose his business, he wrecked his bike, the divorce is in process, and he wound up overdosing.

Fortunately, God intervened and he returned to life even after ambulance workers could find no pulse or heart rate and he remained in an unconscious state for many days. With this near-death experience behind him, "George" is a changed person. He obviously has many obstacles to overcome, but for the first time in his life, he is facing his fears, dealing with them and proudly proclaiming God's hope and speaking more positively!

Our tongue truly has the power of life and death. Fortunately, our occasional complaining doesn't lead to such catastrophic results; however, when tied with principle #1 which states your dominant thoughts produce your life, it's crucial to turn our whining into positive affirmations. Remember the song based on scriptures which says, "let the weak say, 'I am strong.' Let the oppressed say, 'I am free.' Let the sick say, 'I am healed.' Let the poor say, 'I am rich.'

In our often negative-based media-driven culture, we must consciously decide to think, speak and live differently. You may ask, "how am I supposed to do that? There's so much wrong in the world, etc. etc. etc." Here are some suggestions:

1. Ask God to help. As Eugene Peterson states, "In prayer we want to leave a world of problems and enter a different world. But it is not easy. We are used to anxieties, egos, and problems; we are not used to wonder, God, and mystery."

2. Limit negative exposure - negative news, negative people, negative situations. Remember that news is usually "when the boy bites the dog." Decide who and what you're going to believe. As track star Walma Rudolph said, "The doctors told me I would never walk, but my mother told me I would, so I believed my mother."

3. Inspiration and motivation are nutrients for your soul, like food is nutricious for your body. Do a scripture search on faith, answers to prayer or God's promises. Rick Warren, in The Purpose-Driven Life states, "When you think about a problem over and over in your mind, that's called worry. When you think about God's word over and over in your mind, that's meditation. If you know how to worry, you already know how to meditate."

Also, as Joyce Myer declared, "What you say about yourself and what you say about your future is very important, because you'll never go beyond what you believe about yourself."

4. Use the amazing power of our brain. We can change the neuropathways in our brain by changing the messages we input. Instead of saying, "This just drives me crazy; I can't stand this; I'm so tired of..." we repeat, "this is the day the Lord has made. I will rejoice and be glad in it." And then we rejoice, and then we find ways to be glad.

Bernie Siegel, a surgeon who wrote, "Peace, Love and Healing" talks about speaking to unconscious patients during surgery. When a patient's heart rate became abnormal, he'd whisper in their ear, "You are on a swing. It's going up and back, in a nice and steady, even rhythm, up and back, slow and steady." And the heart rhythm would return to normal. He'd show residents training in surgery this phenomenon by stating to the unconsious patient whose pulse rate got too high, "We'd like your pulse to be 86." Amazingly, they'd watch the pulse rate go to 86! Bernie says, "There is some supervising intelligence within that tells our body how to operate." Truly, we are "wonderfully and fearfully made."

5. Start with gratitude every day; look for new things to be thankful for; train your tongue to work for you and not against you.

Join me in my next blog when we change pace and talk about going beyond communication to change your relationships. Barb

ACT IN FAITH

Principle: Act in Faith

Begin to expect great things. Faith is born of gratitude. The grateful mind continually expects good things, and expectation becomes faith.

Scriptures: Matthew 9:28 - Two blind men came to him, and he asked them, "Do you believe that I am able to do this?" "Yes, Lord," they replied. Then he touched their eyes and said, "According to your faith will it be done to you," and their sight was restored.

As The Message says, "Become what you believe."

I think Christians are often very good at praying - asking, pleading, begging - but not so good at believing and acting in faith. Remember, as Hebrews teaches us, faith is that which is not seen or heard, but when we act in faith, we begin to act as if it's true. Probably we struggle with this because we're in the "McDonald's generation" which expects instant - or at least within a few minutes, hours, or days - gratification. When our dream, prayer or wish takes longer to come to fruition, we lose hope, give up and acting in faith is no longer an option.

When I began to act in faith that I could walk normally on my injured leg - which has had 8 surgeries and much scar tissue formation, the first thing I did was put my full weight on that leg. Surprise! Surprise! It didn't hurt. My body had gotten acclimated to favoring that leg because of course after each surgery it hurt so I didn't put any demands on that part of my body. However, after 15 years of doing so, my brain got the message and sent out regular commands to "go easy on the right leg." It's no wonder I was limping.

Often, we do that with all kinds of pain - physical or emotional. We begin to do things to survive, then they become a habit, and finally a lifestyle we don't question. Is there some area of your life you need to question?

As I began to put weight on my leg and walk in faith, the muscles actually began to build back up so I can walk more normally. It's been quite a while now, and I'm still "acting as if" until the new way of walking becomes my new normal.

One of my clients believed her mother hated her and they had a horrible relationship, but she really wanted that to change. It was scary because she felt very vulnerable when she let herself begin to notice good things about her mother, being grateful for things her mother did. What if mom didn't love her back? Sometimes it's just as important to think through the "worse case scenario" and then say we're doing something just because it's the right thing to do. Since she felt this was the right thing to do, she began treating her mother as if she believed her mother loved her. I believe unless you really have someone who's deliberately abusive, people respond to positive interactions with them, and this mother was no different. They're still working on the relationship, but what a powerful beginning! "Dorothy" said, "I can't believe we're actually talking to each other without yelling and her putting me down all the time." She felt kind of like Abraham when we read, "Against all hope, Abraham believed..." Good things happen when we act in faith.

Join me next time when I talk about Part 5, - What we Say is Powerful

GRATITUDE AND GIVING

Principle: The Power of Gratitude and Giving

As soon as you start to feel grateful for what you already have, you will start to attract more good things.

Scriptures: Psalms 118:24 - This is the day the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it.
1 Thessalonians 5:16 - Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.

Deborah Norville of the Today show quoted a study from the University of California in her new book on the effectiveness of gratitude. This study revealed that people who are grateful are:

----- More optimistic
----- More apt to help others
----- More joyful
----- Genuinely healthier
----- More resilient (healthier immune system for physical & emotional "come-backs."
----- Less stressed
----- Better strategic thinkers

All because they focus on what's right in their lives. Remember, what we focus on gets bigger! As we acknowledge Him, He directs our paths. Be joyful always, pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances.

This scripture doesn't, of course, mean to suppress our normal emotions. We all experience anger, anxiety, depression, fear and many other feelings from time to time. And these emotions are unhealthy only if they remain buried inside, unexpressed and not dealt with. When you value yourself, you express your feelings and then you let them go. That's the key - we attend to our emotions, just as we do our problems, but we don't dwell on them.

The accompanying principle, "giving," is just as powerful. Have you ever wondered why? Because not giving is based in fear; fear we won't have enough; fear we'll not be given to in return; fear, fear, fear. In the movie, "Facing the Giants," the coach pointed out that "fear not" and its variations was the most often repeated commandment in the Bible, occurring 365 times - that's enough "fear nots" to say once a day for a year!

I think not giving also denotes lack of trust in God. We have a hard time really believing that God has plans for us, plans to prosper and not harm us. My husband and I recently began to really focus on blessing others with material things - it's a great feeling! And what a way to clean things out - that always makes room for you to receive more good things.

Look for my next blog - Part 4, when I will discuss the principle of "acting in faith," or "fake it 'till you make it!" Barb

Best Advice I Ever Got - Fortune Magazine

First, always ask for the order and second, when the customer says yes, stop talking.
Michael Bloomberg, mayor of NYC
Look for an out-of-your-intellectual-comfort-zone experience
Gen. David Petraeus quoting Maj. Gen. Jack Galvin
Don't spend your time on things you can't control. Instead, spend your time thinking about what you can.
Benjamin Selekman, quoted by Thomas Murphy, former CEO, Capital Cities/ABC
In order to do something well, you have to keep practicing and preparing.
Eddie Lampert - CEO ESL Investments & Sears Holding, quoting his dad
Whatever anybody says or does, assume positive intent.... When you assume negative intent, you're angry.
Indra Nooyi - CEO, Pepsico
Be grateful. It's something that I learned by getting the stuffing knocked out of me a couple of times. A phrase I love says, "A grateful heart a garden is."
Felicity Huffman

INTENTION - WHAT DO YOU WANT?

Principles: What you resists, persists.
Say what you want instead of what you don't want.
Live by intention, not default.

Scriptures: Proverbs 15:15 - "All the days of the oppressed are wretched, but the cheerful heart has a continual feast.
Romans 12:12 - Do not be conformed any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.

"The more you complain, the more you'll have to complain about." Have you seen this happen in your life? When you get up and spill the coffee, then trip over the rug and start to exclaim, "Why does this always happen to me?" When you drive to work, encounter every red light along the way, run late and have to deal with all the rude drivers in the world, you know what this means! At one time, I remember thinking I needed the bumper sticker which said, "I'm the only person in the world who knows how to drive right!"

We truly need the Holy Spirit's help to renew our minds to a different way of thinking -- we're bombarded with images, conversations and news which tells us to worry, be afraid and our old human nature which wants us to focus on that which is wrong, thinking we'll be protected somehow. Recently, Dear Abby's column featured a young wife who was fearful to have children, saying this world is so terrible, she'd hate to expose them to all its depravity. Abby's response was to remind the young woman of the media's proclivity to cover everything that's wrong because, in fact, it's unusual and therefore "news." One cub reporter was told, "Son, if a dog bites a boy, that's not news because it happens all the time. However, if a boy bites a dog, that's news!" Abby's advice was to avoid all TV news, public radio and newspapers and occupy her time with enjoying nature and other things for 2 weeks. She guaranteed the young wife would feel differently -- I agree.

If we can remember the 90%-10% ratio which says that 90% of our world, our home, our relationships are good and stop focusing on the 10% which needs to be different, we can begin to change our corner of the world. When we state our intention, our goal, who we want to be, we begin to concentrate on adding to the 90%. As I work toward being the best counselor I can be; as I daily state my intention to "encourage, challenge, motivate and inspire people by counseling, speaking, writing and by personal interaction," I get excited and am too busy looking for ways to do just that to be worried, depressed or afraid.

I shared the above statistic with a client who said, "Barbra, I think I have a 95:5% life - and I've been focusing on the 5%!" Sometimes, to change our habits to set intentions instead of complaints, we need to go about it backwards. That is, we identify what we don't like and then use the "instead" bridge to identify what we want that's opposite. Then, we can begin to live as Jesus says in John 10:10, "I have come that you might have life and have it more abundantly!"

Join me in my next blog when I discuss more specifically how we can enjoy that life by employing the gift of gratitude and giving; Part 3.

Thought for the Day

What you focus on gets BIGGER

Thought for the Day

What you say about yourself and what you say about your future is very important, because you'll never go beyond what you believe about yourself - Joyce Myer

Thought for the Day

If something works, do it more. If it doesn't work, do something different.

Thought for the Day

Thought for the Day: "The doctors told me I would never walk, but my mother told me I would, so I believed my mother." Track Star Walma Rudolph

THE LAW OF ATTRACTION - GOD'S WAY

THE SECRET - GOD'S WAY

Part I - The Law of Attraction

Principles: Your dominant thoughts produce your life; like attracts like

Scriptures: Proverbs 23:7 - As a man thinks, so is he.

Galatians 6:7-8 - Don't be deceived; God is not mocked. A man reaps what he sows.

Do we really live out this principle in our daily lives? Let's discuss it. First of all, another principle from the psychological world says, "what you focus on gets bigger." Therefore, when your life revolves around problems, past or present - or even worries about future problems -- they loom larger and larger until they take over. It seems to be a part of our human nature to focus on things that are wrong, feeling by doing so we can fix them. However, what happens? The more we think about, talk about, worry about, analyze and discuss the problems the more they stick around. This is the Law of Attraction at work in a most negative way. (We'll be talking more about this in Part 2)

Example - A man I'll call Joe saw himself as a "jerk magnet." He worked for bosses who were jerks, had customers who were jerks and everywhere he went, it seemed, he kept running into jerks. This phenomenon was so well known that a friend even told him, "man, if there's a jerk within 100 miles, he'll find you!" They did. His co-workers even had a cake made for him that said, "Happy Birthday, Jerk Magnet."

I see the same thing occur in women who've been abused - they'll get away from one abusive relationship, but then even though they'll be confident this new guy is different, they wind up getting abused again - maybe physically, sexually or emotionally. But they seem to keep attracting the abusers.

Three things come into play here - Joe came to believe he'd always run into jerks. Then he just began to expect it (this always happens to me). Finally, he got what he expected. The abused women? They experience the same distressing experience; they believe it, then begin to expect it, then they get it.

The good news? When Joe began to change what he believed about himself (I don't deserve to work for jerks), began to stand up for himself (you will not treat me this way), the attraction left. He began to think differently, have a different atttitude, began to expect that people should treat him well, and that he deserved respect. They did. He got what he expected. "As a man thinks in his heart, so is he."

I encourage you to begin to sow different seeds in your mind. Do a Biblical search about how God thinks of you and how He wants you to see yourself. Then begin to repeat these scriptures on a daily basis. We may not feel we're capable of being different, but through God's spirit, we are mighty in battle, as the scripture says. And for some people, this is, indeed, a battle.

Look for my next blog when I'll be discussing Principle 2 - What you resists, persists

His Brain, Her Brain - What a difference!

Recent technology reveals fascinating ways men & women's brains are different.

Men: Blood flow to one side of the brain at a time. (So they do 1 thing at a time)
Women: 40% more connective tissue between both sides of the brain (so they do many things at
once)

How might this present a problem between them?

Scenario: Man is watching game on TV
Woman comes in - says "don't forget - we're going to the Smiths' on Friday."
Man grunts, or maybe even says "ok"
Friday: Woman: "Remember, we're going to the Smiths tonight."
Man: No one told me!
Argument then ensues about who is right. ("Did too!" "Did not!" "You never listen!" This can go on and on)

Scenario 2: Man and woman in vehicle discussing issue
Man drives right by exit to their home
Woman - "Are you stupid? That's our exit where we've gotten off for 10 years!"
Man - "Well, if you would shut up and let me drive, I'd get off there!"

All because man is using only one side of his brain at a time and woman is expecting him to use his brain just like she uses hers.

Men: Work in most efficient, logical manner focused in straight line to accomplish task
Women: Have 50% more memory capacity, work with more details and talk in circular fashion
about several related things at same time.

Men: Want to avoid stressful situations & conversations as this causes them more stress.
Women: Want to talk and talk about stressful things so they can feel better.

See any potential problems with this? I see it all the time.

There's much more that can be discussed about this subject; however, a good starting point is understanding. Then we can begin to work on positive things which help, such as:

Tip for women: Instead of always nagging, complaining and criticizing, a woman should say what's on her mind, discuss the possibility of a solution and then move on.

Tip for men: Instead of getting angry and defensive, men need to practice not taking a woman's comments and fears personally. He needs to just let her talk, realioze her way of dealing with her fears is to talk about them.

After each person has given the other what they need, then each can ask for what he/she needs.

BR

SPAM - A surprising way to achieve your goals

Tired of making New Year's Resolutions (or the like), then giving up after you blow it (in 3 hours, 3 days, 3 weeks?)

I've been there -- done that. I've said, I'm going to lose weight, quit eating sweets, exercise regularly, etc. etc. etc, a lot of familiar ones, all to wind up with the same result -- I'd give up and say "I obviously can't do this!"

Then I decided to try something one of my grad school professors taught us: Use SPAM. So get out a can of SPAM, put it on the counter, but don't open it. Use it as follows to set a new goal or change in your life:

S = Small and specific (daily or weekly)

P = Practical (who, what, where, when how)

A = Achieveable (is it realistic knowing you the way you do?)

M = Measurable (Progress you can measure)

Here's an example: Years ago, when the dentist told me I had to floss my teeth every day for the rest of my life (or risk losing my teeth) I really wanted to do that. Alas! I knew my tendency to get enthusiastic about something, then stop after a while.

Now flossing doesn't sound like such a big deal, but to me that statement, "every day for the rest of your life" sounded like a jail term! Knowing me, I needed to try something very different -- SPAM to the rescue!

S = Small & specific - I'd treat this like a job - floss on weekdays, brush on weekends.

P = Practical - Who? Me

What? Flossing

When? In the mornings (I'm a morning person, not a nighty)

Where? Bathroom

How? I could do my devotions & floss at the same time

(2 for 1 - my desire for efficiency was met!)

A = Achievable I think so

M = Measurable Try it for a week or so; I could always do 3 times a

week at first.

Results? I've been flossing my teeth regularly every weekday morning for many, many years and I still have 'em! My SPAM goal worked!

You can try it too.

A Gift - God's Way

Living a happier, more fulfilled life is possible when you apply the four steps of the GIFT:

The GIFT stands for:

G = Gratitude & Generosity
I = Intention (What do you want)
F = Faith (Fake it 'til you make it!)
T = Train your Brain & the power of your thoughts & tongue

Gratitude - start with what you already have to be grateful for, from small things like enjoying flowers, to larger things like your family, your job, etc. We often begin to take such things for granted, but I've discovered that as soon as you start to feel grateful for what you already have, God blesses you with more good things.

Psalms 118:24, 1 Thessalonians 5:16, Philippians 2:14-16 and Proverbs 15:15 are just a few of the Biblical passages which instruct us to be grateful

Generosity - When you give, you are not only following God's command, but you begin to feel the difference inside you; you become more grateful, generous and as you do, watch how your world view shifts. Often, when I take time to really be grateful, to consciously give more, I weep with appreciation and thankfulness for all God gives and also how He uses me to give.

Intention - When we focus on what we want - 1 Chroniclews 4:10 depicts the life of Jabez who asked not only to be blessed but for his territory to be enlarged. Philippians 4:6, Matthew 7:7-11 and 1 Kings 3:5 all speak to the importance of stating our intention; asking what we want. This, of course, is very different from complaining about what we don't like or don't want and expecting those things to change. I like to divide things into what I want to be, what I want to do and what I want to have. Then be very specific about each of those categories.

F - Faith - Basically acting as if what you want is already true. Focus on progress being made toward intention. Feel what it will feel like to be where you want to go. Attend to problems, but focus on your goal. Matthew, Mark and Luke are all books replete with examples of acting on faith. And of course Hebrews 11, the faith chapter, tells us to step out, begin to expect great things.

T - Train your brain: Since our brain makes neuropathways that become very well defined (like ruts on a country road) we need to retrain our brain. An example might be to make a list of small steps to take; i.e., set aside a time to state out loud these 4 parts. Romans 12:12 tells us to be transformed by the renewing of our minds; Proverbs 23:7 declares that as a man thinks in his heart, so is he. An important scripture to remember is Philippians 4:7, that we focus on the good things in our lives vs. the disturbing reports from our world.

Tongue - When the Bible talks about the power of our tongue, we can see the results every day once we start to pay attention. Make sure you are saying aloud positive things commensurate with what you want.

Thoughts - Surround & immerse yourself in where you're heading, not fears of what may not happen, etc.

Interesting note: A cub reporter was once told that if a dog bites a dog, that's not news. However, if the dog bites the boy, that's news and should be reported! How often do we hear about the small percentage of "news" that keeps us fearful, anxious and defeated.

I encourage you to take a few minutes each day to be grateful, intentional, act in faith and start training your brain to become who God has made you to be.