Have you asked yourself lately (or ever): "What's it like to live with me?" We love to contemplate how loving and good we are, and we have plenty of reasons to excuse our inattentiveness to our relationships. One couple took this assignment to heart, asking family members, college roommates and others who were willing to provide honest feedback. She was told how thoughtful, nurturing and caring she was. Then came the stinger: "do you know how controlling you can be?"
Likewise, the husband was honored to hear how his strong work ethic, dependability and responsibility were hallmarks of a wonderful guy. Of course, he had a "but..." also. His sounded like this, "yeah, but sometimes you get so angry, man; I don't want to be around you. You can also be very self-centered."
How would others, and most importantly, your partner, answer the question, "What are you like to live with?" Maybe you'd like to take up that challenge - will you be surprised?
It's important for each partner to look at him or herself and never try to solve a problem by asking your partner to change. I gave some examples last blog posting from a woman's point of view - often, they're the ones who need to "zip the lip." Men are usually surprised to hear, however, that when women complain they're actually trying to improve the relationship. Just as men are primarily visual and logical, women are more verbal and emotional. A marriage will improve when a woman carefully monitors her mouth; it will also improve when a man seeks connection with his wife.
I can hear the men saying, "How do I do that? I don't have a clue." It's easy - just notice what she does. Both men and women will show their love in the way they want to be loved. For example, men, have you ever noticed your wife will ask you lots of questions? She asks about your day, what went on at work, how you're feeling, etc. etc. She's trying to connect with you. If you do the same to her, listening closely without trying to fix her problems (remember, she feels better when she talks about her problems) and paying attention to how she feels, she loves it! ("That must have really hurt, honey...." You must feel exhausted, baby...." How exciting that you did ..{x}...... that.") And when she feels loved, guess who she'll want to love back? And guess how she'll show it? You got it, sex for you!
Men often need a break after work, without all the questions or even contact. Then, after they've had time to recuperate, they'll be ready to rejoin the family. However, the myth that men don't talk as much as women is also being overturned. A man loves to talk to his wife when he feels good about himself and feels his wife admires and respects him; i.e., when he feels connected as well.
Pat Love and Steve Stosney give a ROCK STAR acronym on how to connect.
For the man: think of being a strong ROCK
R: Routinely connect to her
O: Open your heart and mind to her - women want to know the good things you're thinking
C: Contact, contact, contact - eye contact, physical contact like hugs - non-sexual, but loving
K: Keep it positive - men don't understand how scary it is for them to be angry
For the woman: think of being a STAR
S: Sex - provides bonding, produces oxytocin - he forgets problems and why he was mad
T: Touching - men truly need touch; 2-3 times required to feel same bonding - they don't ask
A: Appreciation and acceptance - those give meaning to his life
R: Respect his routine - He has one, you can be sure.
Join me in my next blog when I discuss part 3 - Men's job to provide and protect and women's job to tend and befriend. Barb
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