MERRY CHRISTMAS OR HOLIDAY BLUES?

 

 "It's the MOST wonderful time of the year!" -- A song we often hear during Christmas time.

And that's true -- it's a wonderful time for many of us.  Snow, hustle and bustle, gifts and Christmas gatherings are good.  For others, however, it's not so wonderful.  During the first two weeks of December, I talked to people who have gone through the following:

• A lady whose friend shot and killed himself in front of her
• A man whose stress brought back bouts of drinking
• A woman whose house was robbed
• A beautiful young lady who looked like she could be on a magazine cover, but who felt so badly about herself she wanted to end it all
• A couple who are separating because of marriage problems
• A man who's grieving as he remembers the loss of a parent at this time of year

Needless to say, this is not "the most wonderful time of the year" for them.  And yet, here we are -- we're supposed to be rejoicing and remembering that "Jesus is the reason for the season," right?  As someone said recently, "This time of the year, you'd better be jolly..... or else!"

What else are we to do?

First of all, if you're going through a time of "holiday blues," know that you're not alone.  Just look at the above list.

Secondly, give yourself permission to experience whatever emotions you're feeling.  Ecclesiastes 3 tells us, "there's a time to mourn and a time to dance; a time to cry and a time to laugh."  If you're sad, cry.  If you're mad, yell!  Of course, the Bible tells us to "be angry and sin not."  Therefore, we are not to yell at others, break things or develop a case of road rage!  A good way to release anger in a healthy way is to yell at a tree (they don't usually yell back!).  Or, write a letter to the person you're mad at -- then burn it, not send it!  And, of course, talking to a counselor can be a very liberating experience as you unburden your heart to a caring, non-judgmental listener.

However, let me tell you -- during that same two-week time frame, I also heard the following:

• A woman's ex-husband had sexually abused her children and for years, they had dealt with healing their hurts and longed for justice.  This month they heard he had been arrested and will be brought to trial -- a closure they're rejoicing about.
• A man who had lost job and family because of alcoholism has been sober for quite a while now; the hope in his heart shines through the wide grin on his face as he looks forward.
• Rejoicing is evident in the young lady who just heard she has gotten her dream job after a long wait.

Romans 8:28 promises us that we know "in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose."  We all go through ups and downs in our lives; when we choose hope, we become closer to that purpose.

Merry Christmas or the Holiday Blues?  Let's choose hope.

Unmet Expectations - It's a Set-Up!

Unmet Expectations – It’s a Set-Up!

I’ve been waiting a loooooooooong 4 minutes in the McDonald’s drive through. Four minutes, and I’m getting mad at McDonald’s! Two cars in front of me, several bags of hamburgers, fries and drinks have transferred from the drive-through window to the cars, and I’ve become the prosecutor in a silent trial with the dashboard clock my star witness.

Four minutes – I don’t remember waiting so long at a McDonald’s – it seems forever! And by the way, all I want is a cup of coffee, black -- I expected much quicker service from Mickey D’s!!

As I pull away from the window, I realize the absurdity of my fuming thoughts – Four minutes, really? I’ve spent that much time debating over which pair of earrings to wear. My expectations of McDonalds (and truth be told, many other places, people and situations) have gotten a bit unrealistic. When that happens, it’s a set-up for a let-down.

During the holiday season, it’s easy to experience un-met expectations. We set ourselves up for a let-down when we add, add, add things to our already busy schedules. It’s like my college professor who challenged his students, many of whom were working full time and attending classes in the evening: “Now that you’ve taken this on, what have you taken out of your schedule?” That was a wake-up call for me; I just expected to fit it all in, I suppose.

Without realizing it, we might expect a Norman Rockwell painting of the perfect family gathering – there will be warm bonding experiences and all the food will be delicious. But then the arguments start; there’s the empty chair where Grandmother used to sit, and we miss the kids because they’re at the “other” house this holiday,

We’ve just been set up for a let-down.

It’s no wonder, then, that we find ourselves participating in a Holiday trial of "Happy Expectations vs. Reality 101" where everyone winds up being sentenced to a couple of months in Stress Prison.


What are we to do?

• Remember what’s important – what’s the real “Reason for the Season?”

• What are we going to cut out because we’ve added something on?

• Ecclesiastes 3 says there’s a time to weep and a time to laugh. Give yourself permission to do both at this holiday season.

• Set a holiday budget and don’t be “guilted” into exceeding it.

I remember one Christmas when our son was about 5. Money was tight, and we had saved just enough to buy him a new bicycle for his gift. However, on Christmas morning, our eager anticipation was deflated, as he ran to the tree and exclaimed, “Is that all?"   He was just a kid -- he was expecting many packages to open and even though we knew his bicycle was worth more than all the little things, he didn't. 

With  his disappointment came our guilt.  "Oh no!  We've failed as parents!"  We wouldn't get the “best parents of the year” award -- an un-stated, unrealistic expectation we parents often place on ourselves.

As adults, we may not say that out loud, but sometimes I think that’s our internal dialogue. “Is that all there is? I’ve scrimped and saved and prepared for THIS?” “Is that all? I expected more.”

When we get over-stressed, and our expectations are not met, it’s indeed a set-up for a let-down. Let’s remember to keep things realistic, set limits for ourselves and others and “Count our blessings, name them one by one!"

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I've Got You!

"Don't look down.  Keep your eyes on my hand.  See?  My hand's right here; I've got you!"

Those words echoed through my mind as the ditch loomed larger than it had appeared at a distance.  All of a sudden the easy confidence that said, "you can do it" quavered in a fearful movement and disappeared.  We'd been walking for quite a while so when my husband proposed we take a short cut by jumping the ditch, I quickly agreed.


But now, hesitant thoughts began to race through my mind.  "You know, you're not as young as you used to be!"  "What if you hurt your bad leg?"  "It's pretty muddy on the other side - your shoes will be ruined!"

Ultimately, however, I believed his reassuring words, and I jumped.  Even while soaring over the muddy water, I felt a thrill of exhilaration.  I did it!  I took a risk and made it!  And yes, I turned my ankle; yes, my shoes got muddy; yes, it's true - I'm not as young as I used to be.  But in that moment, I felt young.  In that moment, I had fun!  And in that moment, I realized a great truth -- it's important to trust whose hand you're reaching for.

I knew without question that hand was a strong hand; that hand had pulled me out of danger before; that hand belonged to someone who loved me, who had my best interests at heart.  He knew me well; he knew my "bad-leg" issues and he knows when to push me to do more than I think I can do.

The analogy was very obvious to me -- the most important hand we need to reach out for, the trust we must have, is in God.  And that trust so often is impacted by humans.  If we can't trust our earthly father, it will be very hard to trust our heavenly father.  If those we depended upon most have rejected or disappointed us, all too often that's what we expect of God as well.

Thus, when we approach "ditches" in our lives of disappointment, despair or desperation, the hardest thing may be to trust God.  Some of those scary thoughts may sound like, "I just lost my job; my spouse just walked out on me; this diagnosis is not good."  Sometimes, however, scary thoughts are even wrapped around more positive possibilities such as relocating, applying for a better position or taking another chance at love.

But remember, God knows you and has your best interests at heart.  God knows all your "issues."  God has kept you from danger before; even if you didn't know it, you can count on that.  And God knows when to push you to do more than you think you can do.  Those are the times when God says, "Don't look down.  Keep your eyes on my hand.  I've got you!"   

Bumblebees Can’t Fly

            Bumblebees can’t fly – this myth apparently goes back as far as the 1930’s to students of Ludwig Prandti, a pioneer of aerodynamics at the University of Gottingen in Germany.  Basically, they discussed a mathematical equation by engineer Andre Sainte-Lague which compared how airplanes fly and how bumblebees fly.  His conclusion?  Aerodynamically, mathematically, bumblebees can’t fly – and the story was born!

            Obviously, the bumblebee neglected to read this revelatory research and continued to move its yellow and black striped body from flower to flower, helping to pollinate the earth.   

            When I first heard this axiom – at a youth camp many years ago – the story was accompanied by the scripture found in Philippians 4:13, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”  The lesson, which obviously stuck with me, taught us campers that even when man says it can’t be done, we need to know we can do all things through God.

            A good message to remember, indeed.  However, that positive affirmation can still seem daunting – all things?  We?  Does that apply to issues of bad health, dysfunctional relationships, not enough money?  Could that possibly be the key to conquer addictions, recover from devastating abuse or even reach that impossible dream?

            I believe the answer is “yes,” and Paul spells out the “how” in verses 1-12.  It’s almost as if Paul outlines the steps, then summarizes the results by emphasizing that  “I can do all things through God who strengthens me” in the oft-quoted 13th verse.  The entire chapter is quite enlightening, but let me highlight a few of those principles in those first few verses:

             (1)        v. 1      “I plead with Euodia and I plead with Syntyche to agree with each other in the Lord.  In other words:  "Get along with others -- don't keep quarreling." 

Another way of saying this might be:  "Choose to be happy instead of right."  You might be surprised how often people will cling to the latter, saying things like “They were in the wrong, and I’m not going to talk to them until I get an apology.”  Choosing to forgive anyway, be the bigger person and opting for happiness will definitely help you move on to “do all the things you’ve been wanting to do through Christ.”

(2)               v.4 and v. 8: – “Rejoice in the Lord always.  I will say it again:  Rejoice.”  “Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things.” 

Pay attention to, discuss and perhaps even write down the things you “rejoice” in.  Think about it – what are you watching on TV, listening to on the radio or reading on the internet?  Probably negative events occurring somewhere, anywhere.  Then do you do a “group gripe” related to those things?  Change the subject sometimes – you, of course, might encounter a reluctance to be positive; it’s so much more acceptable to “dis”cuss what’s wrong with everyone and everything!

(3)              v.6:  “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.” 

When we’re worried or fearful, we actually wind up with weakened immune systems.  Dr. Pert at the National Institute of Mental Health identified the chemicals in our body whose job is to communicate what we are feeling emotionally to our cells.  These are amino acid chains called neuropeptides, and they actually carry their messages to all our cells, including those of our bones, muscles, and internal organs. 

Researchers at the University of Wisconsin studying patterns of brain activity have shown that positive states of mind like happiness and surprise enhance the immune system, while those of negative emotions like anger, sadness, and fear weaken it.  Bottom line?  It’s in our own best interests to keep thinking about all we can praise God for.

             

         “Bumblebees can’t fly.”  False.  The truth lies in the fact that static (still) objects are governed by different stability laws than dynamic (moving) objects.  For example, a bicycle left standing without support will fall over.  When that bicycle gets rolling along, it’s quite stable.  The same law applies to the bumblebee; as a static object it’s not aerodynamically stable.  But when it’s flapping its wings, it’s a whole different story! When we keep “flapping our wings” and applying Paul’s lessons from Philippians 4, sure enough, we can “do all things through Christ who strengthens us.” 

           

           

Unintended Messages & Untrue Beliefs

      He was only 3 or 4 and watched all the hustle, bustle and strange activities around him with wide-eyed puzzlement.  Then, rather plaintively he asked, "What about me?"


     Like an imploded building, all planning collapsed and his parents were stopped in mid-sentence.  The conversation had been revolving around an upcoming move to another state.   "Of course, you're going with us," his parents assured him.  There was no question that the entire family would soon be on the road together.  However, in his young concrete view of the world, he had heard nothing which stated mom, dad, and son were involved in this new direction, so he came to an untrue conclusion -- he wasn't included.

     Unfortunately, his hopefully short-lived fear is not uncommon, even in the adult world, perhaps even especially in the adult world.  It's no wonder, really.  Many unintended messages get passed on to others, and it can start at a very young age, as this story demonstrates.

     Just think how many times kids hear, "Don't you know anything?  That's not how you do it."   The message the kid internalizes?  I'm stupid.  Even well-meaning people who state -- to either kids or adults -- "don't worry, I'll take care of it,"  when it's the other person's job, send the subtle but damaging idea you can't - I can. 

     Then, if you add intentional abuse of any kind, it's a wonder people have any self-esteem at all!  And we know from God's word that considering anything other than we are wonderful, well-loved and worth loving is an untrue belief!

     How many of you have experienced conversation coming to a halt upon your approach and you walk away thinking, "they must have been talking about me."  And of course, the talk couldn't be good now, could it?

     When hurtful words are hurled out in moments of anger, it's too easy to arrive at conclusions such as "they don't care; I'm no good; I'm worthless."  This causes almost a PTSD type of reaction -- days, months or years later, a word, an expression, or a similar setting pulls the trigger on that old wound.  Even if the speaker has good intentions, the scab gets ripped off that sensitive area, and fresh bleeding starts a downward cycle of emotions.

     Likewise, just being exposed to calamities and disasters can create undue anxiety and depression, resulting in feelings of helplessness -- of somehow feeling the burden of the untrue belief "I should do something" -- which leads to exhausted hopelessness.

     Recent research shows that 100% of stress-related illnesses stem from an untrue belief.  That's a pretty staggering statistic and yet, in my counseling practice I see the results of concusions drawn from wounded hearts ascribing malicious or at least uncaring intent from statements made, often by those closest to them.

     What are we to do?  I remember the day years ago when it happened -- I came close to two nurses busily talking in the hallway at the medical facility where I worked.  And sure enough, they stopped talking as I approached.  In my fevered imagination, they looked guiltily at me and boy!  That's all it took!  I started slipping into a depressed state that finally became ridiculous, even to me.  That's when I had my "come to Jesus" meeting with me, myself and I.  I decided from then on, unless someone came up to me directly and said, "I've got a problem with you,"  that I would always assume (1)  they liked me and (2)  everything was fine.  I'm confident those nurses were deeply involved in their own personal and private business, which had nothing to do with me.

     Now, even though that was a small, somewhat silly incident, it was a pivotal turning point in the development of different thinking for me.  Taking control of our thoughts, putting limits on what we allow our mind to consider and take in as truth is crucial to our well-being.

     It's also important to identify and acknowledge those false beliefs.  Allowing ourselves to feel the pain of both the rejection and then the healing oil of Christ's words of love in redemptive correction is the first step in changing the meaning of messages.  Having a "Come to Jesus" meeting works every time when you're dealing with Unintended Messages & Untrue Beliefs.