"Every day in every way I'm getting better and better" - This positive affirmation, developed by French psychiatrist Emile Coue around 1920 was repeated often by his patients and created such improvements that his method became the talk of medical and scientific circles, first in Europe, then in America where he was booked on a lecture tour. At one of his early speaking engagements here, a cynical newspaper reporter made a joke of the technique which followed Coue wherever he spoke. The press coverage was so negative he cancelled his tour and returned to practice in Europe. (Because of language the reporter used, contact me if you want the quote)
Dr. Coue's belief was if you give the subconscious a positive instruction, but leave it open enough that it did not tell the subconscious how to do it, the mind could influence the body toward health. And that was exactly what was happening in his practice. Lately, there has been a resurgence of research and literature which backs up this thesis. I believe this is why test results demonstrate the effectiveness of prayer - when there is a "sacrifice of praise," those prayers go right to the subconscious, the powerful process used in our spiritual being.
I recently ran across 10 rewards of a persistent positive mental attitude, as well as accompanying 10 consequences of a persistent negative mental attitude that are worth contemplating. (Remember.... as a man thinketh.)
Penalties of negative thinking:
1. Poverty and misery your entire life
2. Mental and physical ailments of all kinds
3. Self-limitations which trap you in mediocrity
4. Fear and all its destructive consequences
5. Hatred of the means by which you support yourself
6. Many enemies and few friends
7. Every brand of worry known to humanity
8. Being a victim of every negative influence you encounter
9. Subjection to the will of others
10. A wasted life which does nothing to better the human condition.
By contrast, here are 10 attributes of positive attitudes:
1. Success consciousness
2. Sound health, both physical and mental
3. Financial independence
4. A labor of love in which to express yourself
5. Peace of mind
6. Applied faith, which makes fear impossible
7. Enduring friendships
8. Longevity and a well-balanced life
9. Immunity from self-limitation
10. The wisdom to understand yourself and others
Which will you choose? If you don't choose to embrace a positive attitude wholeheartedly, the effects of negative attitudes will be forced upon you. Remember, it all starts with gratitude for what you already have and a continual mindset which looks for the blessings in your life, rather than the problems. Problems are to be the focus of a plan to be addressed, not a focus of your life.
Friday, August 29, 2008
Sunday, August 10, 2008
Become a ROCK STAR
Have you asked yourself lately (or ever): "What's it like to live with me?" We love to contemplate how loving and good we are, and we have plenty of reasons to excuse our inattentiveness to our relationships. One couple took this assignment to heart, asking family members, college roommates and others who were willing to provide honest feedback. She was told how thoughtful, nurturing and caring she was. Then came the stinger: "do you know how controlling you can be?"
Likewise, the husband was honored to hear how his strong work ethic, dependability and responsibility were hallmarks of a wonderful guy. Of course, he had a "but..." also. His sounded like this, "yeah, but sometimes you get so angry, man; I don't want to be around you. You can also be very self-centered."
How would others, and most importantly, your partner, answer the question, "What are you like to live with?" Maybe you'd like to take up that challenge - will you be surprised?
It's important for each partner to look at him or herself and never try to solve a problem by asking your partner to change. I gave some examples last blog posting from a woman's point of view - often, they're the ones who need to "zip the lip." Men are usually surprised to hear, however, that when women complain they're actually trying to improve the relationship. Just as men are primarily visual and logical, women are more verbal and emotional. A marriage will improve when a woman carefully monitors her mouth; it will also improve when a man seeks connection with his wife.
I can hear the men saying, "How do I do that? I don't have a clue." It's easy - just notice what she does. Both men and women will show their love in the way they want to be loved. For example, men, have you ever noticed your wife will ask you lots of questions? She asks about your day, what went on at work, how you're feeling, etc. etc. She's trying to connect with you. If you do the same to her, listening closely without trying to fix her problems (remember, she feels better when she talks about her problems) and paying attention to how she feels, she loves it! ("That must have really hurt, honey...." You must feel exhausted, baby...." How exciting that you did ..{x}...... that.") And when she feels loved, guess who she'll want to love back? And guess how she'll show it? You got it, sex for you!
Men often need a break after work, without all the questions or even contact. Then, after they've had time to recuperate, they'll be ready to rejoin the family. However, the myth that men don't talk as much as women is also being overturned. A man loves to talk to his wife when he feels good about himself and feels his wife admires and respects him; i.e., when he feels connected as well.
Pat Love and Steve Stosney give a ROCK STAR acronym on how to connect.
For the man: think of being a strong ROCK
R: Routinely connect to her
O: Open your heart and mind to her - women want to know the good things you're thinking
C: Contact, contact, contact - eye contact, physical contact like hugs - non-sexual, but loving
K: Keep it positive - men don't understand how scary it is for them to be angry
For the woman: think of being a STAR
S: Sex - provides bonding, produces oxytocin - he forgets problems and why he was mad
T: Touching - men truly need touch; 2-3 times required to feel same bonding - they don't ask
A: Appreciation and acceptance - those give meaning to his life
R: Respect his routine - He has one, you can be sure.
Join me in my next blog when I discuss part 3 - Men's job to provide and protect and women's job to tend and befriend. Barb
Likewise, the husband was honored to hear how his strong work ethic, dependability and responsibility were hallmarks of a wonderful guy. Of course, he had a "but..." also. His sounded like this, "yeah, but sometimes you get so angry, man; I don't want to be around you. You can also be very self-centered."
How would others, and most importantly, your partner, answer the question, "What are you like to live with?" Maybe you'd like to take up that challenge - will you be surprised?
It's important for each partner to look at him or herself and never try to solve a problem by asking your partner to change. I gave some examples last blog posting from a woman's point of view - often, they're the ones who need to "zip the lip." Men are usually surprised to hear, however, that when women complain they're actually trying to improve the relationship. Just as men are primarily visual and logical, women are more verbal and emotional. A marriage will improve when a woman carefully monitors her mouth; it will also improve when a man seeks connection with his wife.
I can hear the men saying, "How do I do that? I don't have a clue." It's easy - just notice what she does. Both men and women will show their love in the way they want to be loved. For example, men, have you ever noticed your wife will ask you lots of questions? She asks about your day, what went on at work, how you're feeling, etc. etc. She's trying to connect with you. If you do the same to her, listening closely without trying to fix her problems (remember, she feels better when she talks about her problems) and paying attention to how she feels, she loves it! ("That must have really hurt, honey...." You must feel exhausted, baby...." How exciting that you did ..{x}...... that.") And when she feels loved, guess who she'll want to love back? And guess how she'll show it? You got it, sex for you!
Men often need a break after work, without all the questions or even contact. Then, after they've had time to recuperate, they'll be ready to rejoin the family. However, the myth that men don't talk as much as women is also being overturned. A man loves to talk to his wife when he feels good about himself and feels his wife admires and respects him; i.e., when he feels connected as well.
Pat Love and Steve Stosney give a ROCK STAR acronym on how to connect.
For the man: think of being a strong ROCK
R: Routinely connect to her
O: Open your heart and mind to her - women want to know the good things you're thinking
C: Contact, contact, contact - eye contact, physical contact like hugs - non-sexual, but loving
K: Keep it positive - men don't understand how scary it is for them to be angry
For the woman: think of being a STAR
S: Sex - provides bonding, produces oxytocin - he forgets problems and why he was mad
T: Touching - men truly need touch; 2-3 times required to feel same bonding - they don't ask
A: Appreciation and acceptance - those give meaning to his life
R: Respect his routine - He has one, you can be sure.
Join me in my next blog when I discuss part 3 - Men's job to provide and protect and women's job to tend and befriend. Barb
Friday, August 1, 2008
I {Heart} My Marriage
The other day I wore this T-shirt (the one that says, "I {heart} my marriage.") You should have seen the looks and reactions I got! One divorced lady exclaimed, "You've got to be kidding!" I believe it's been politically incorrect to state, "I love my marriage." We hear about the 50% failure rate of marriages - well, what about the 50% that succeed? And actually, those percentages are changing in favor of success rates higher than 50%. We need to: (1) change the perception of failure and (2) provide the tools to keep the positive marriage momentum going.
Singles are waiting longer to marry because one of their core beliefs is that you give more than you get in marriage, even though many studies have repeatedly shown that married people are more fulfilled, live longer and have happier, healthier lives. Many couples divorce because of their belief that they've just married the wrong person and if they can just find the right one, they'll make it. Some people marry several times trying to prove that theory; unfortunately, they'll never succeed because it's not true.
How, then, can these two things be accomplished? First of all, more of us need to wear the T-shirts! Begin to talk about the good things in marriage. How often have young people heard, "well, son, better go sow your wild oats now. After you get married, things will change! Daughters hear, "enjoy yourself now; just wait 'til the honeymoon's over!" The message? Single = fun; married = drudgery.
Secondly, all couples need to have a tool chest filled with a variety of instruments they can use at various times. An important tool is understanding and respecting gender differences - men and women think, act and communicate differently. (See my previous blog on "His Brain, Her Brain - What a Difference.") Another tool is to learn your own and your partner's personality type. There are many personality assessments; I like to use the DISC model which categorizes each person's dominant personality characteristic as dominant, interactive, stable and cautious.
Then there are communication tools. I often teach couples to use the "Speaker - Listener" exercise in truly hearing what the other is saying. Most often, couples in trouble don't really listen - each just waits for an opportunity to express what is the real truth. There are other tools; learning your spouse's love language, what he or she needs and digging deep to discover unhealed wounds from the past which build walls between them.
Sometimes, that's still not enough. We need to go beyond communicating to change the relationship. Susan Page wrote a book entitled If We're So In Love, Why Aren't We Happy? In that book she discusses old ways and beliefs of interacting and proposes new ways to provide loving actions. One example is the belief, "I'll be happy when my partner changes." We therefore set out to change them. They need to think, believe and do things the right way; i.e., our way.
Sometimes we'll even do this unconsciously. I remember believing my husband would certainly be enriched if I provided another viewpoint. If he was a Monday night quarterback and pointed out what the Denver Broncos should have done on Sunday, I'd say things like "Well, I'm sure Coach Shannahan is paid very well to figure those things out!" If he complained about drivers hogging the road, I'd think how very negative he was being and declare they might just be having a bad day or something. Of course, when I complained, that was different!
John Gottman talks about the dangers of labeling our partners; some couples in my office say things like "he's so immature and irresponsible." "She's just a nag; nothing ever pleases her." Once we place a label, we begin to see that person through the lens of that description and then we're very upset when he continues to be irresponsible or she hasn't changed her nagging ways. People generally live up to our expectations of them.
One method Susan Page suggests is to practice restraint. I call it, "Zip the Lip." You avoid negative comments, defensive responses and avoid fights. After I decided to change my interactions with my husband, I was amazed at the number of negative, defensive or argumentative statements I had been making. No wonder my husband didn't feel safe to talk intimately with me - he could count on my disagreeing with him which made him feel criticized, judged and attacked. That was not my intention, of course, but it certainly was his experience. Another decision I made was to decide to "be happy rather than right." I focused on what I needed to do for myself, rather than continually wanting him to be different.
After a few weeks of practicing my new resolve, I'm happy to report I loved being happy, and I certainly {heart} my marriage!
Join me in my next blog when I talk about more ways to move beyond communication to change your relationship. Barb
Singles are waiting longer to marry because one of their core beliefs is that you give more than you get in marriage, even though many studies have repeatedly shown that married people are more fulfilled, live longer and have happier, healthier lives. Many couples divorce because of their belief that they've just married the wrong person and if they can just find the right one, they'll make it. Some people marry several times trying to prove that theory; unfortunately, they'll never succeed because it's not true.
How, then, can these two things be accomplished? First of all, more of us need to wear the T-shirts! Begin to talk about the good things in marriage. How often have young people heard, "well, son, better go sow your wild oats now. After you get married, things will change! Daughters hear, "enjoy yourself now; just wait 'til the honeymoon's over!" The message? Single = fun; married = drudgery.
Secondly, all couples need to have a tool chest filled with a variety of instruments they can use at various times. An important tool is understanding and respecting gender differences - men and women think, act and communicate differently. (See my previous blog on "His Brain, Her Brain - What a Difference.") Another tool is to learn your own and your partner's personality type. There are many personality assessments; I like to use the DISC model which categorizes each person's dominant personality characteristic as dominant, interactive, stable and cautious.
Then there are communication tools. I often teach couples to use the "Speaker - Listener" exercise in truly hearing what the other is saying. Most often, couples in trouble don't really listen - each just waits for an opportunity to express what is the real truth. There are other tools; learning your spouse's love language, what he or she needs and digging deep to discover unhealed wounds from the past which build walls between them.
Sometimes, that's still not enough. We need to go beyond communicating to change the relationship. Susan Page wrote a book entitled If We're So In Love, Why Aren't We Happy? In that book she discusses old ways and beliefs of interacting and proposes new ways to provide loving actions. One example is the belief, "I'll be happy when my partner changes." We therefore set out to change them. They need to think, believe and do things the right way; i.e., our way.
Sometimes we'll even do this unconsciously. I remember believing my husband would certainly be enriched if I provided another viewpoint. If he was a Monday night quarterback and pointed out what the Denver Broncos should have done on Sunday, I'd say things like "Well, I'm sure Coach Shannahan is paid very well to figure those things out!" If he complained about drivers hogging the road, I'd think how very negative he was being and declare they might just be having a bad day or something. Of course, when I complained, that was different!
John Gottman talks about the dangers of labeling our partners; some couples in my office say things like "he's so immature and irresponsible." "She's just a nag; nothing ever pleases her." Once we place a label, we begin to see that person through the lens of that description and then we're very upset when he continues to be irresponsible or she hasn't changed her nagging ways. People generally live up to our expectations of them.
One method Susan Page suggests is to practice restraint. I call it, "Zip the Lip." You avoid negative comments, defensive responses and avoid fights. After I decided to change my interactions with my husband, I was amazed at the number of negative, defensive or argumentative statements I had been making. No wonder my husband didn't feel safe to talk intimately with me - he could count on my disagreeing with him which made him feel criticized, judged and attacked. That was not my intention, of course, but it certainly was his experience. Another decision I made was to decide to "be happy rather than right." I focused on what I needed to do for myself, rather than continually wanting him to be different.
After a few weeks of practicing my new resolve, I'm happy to report I loved being happy, and I certainly {heart} my marriage!
Join me in my next blog when I talk about more ways to move beyond communication to change your relationship. Barb
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