The other day I wore this T-shirt (the one that says, "I {heart} my marriage.") You should have seen the looks and reactions I got! One divorced lady exclaimed, "You've got to be kidding!" I believe it's been politically incorrect to state, "I love my marriage." We hear about the 50% failure rate of marriages - well, what about the 50% that succeed? And actually, those percentages are changing in favor of success rates higher than 50%. We need to: (1) change the perception of failure and (2) provide the tools to keep the positive marriage momentum going.
Singles are waiting longer to marry because one of their core beliefs is that you give more than you get in marriage, even though many studies have repeatedly shown that married people are more fulfilled, live longer and have happier, healthier lives. Many couples divorce because of their belief that they've just married the wrong person and if they can just find the right one, they'll make it. Some people marry several times trying to prove that theory; unfortunately, they'll never succeed because it's not true.
How, then, can these two things be accomplished? First of all, more of us need to wear the T-shirts! Begin to talk about the good things in marriage. How often have young people heard, "well, son, better go sow your wild oats now. After you get married, things will change! Daughters hear, "enjoy yourself now; just wait 'til the honeymoon's over!" The message? Single = fun; married = drudgery.
Secondly, all couples need to have a tool chest filled with a variety of instruments they can use at various times. An important tool is understanding and respecting gender differences - men and women think, act and communicate differently. (See my previous blog on "His Brain, Her Brain - What a Difference.") Another tool is to learn your own and your partner's personality type. There are many personality assessments; I like to use the DISC model which categorizes each person's dominant personality characteristic as dominant, interactive, stable and cautious.
Then there are communication tools. I often teach couples to use the "Speaker - Listener" exercise in truly hearing what the other is saying. Most often, couples in trouble don't really listen - each just waits for an opportunity to express what is the real truth. There are other tools; learning your spouse's love language, what he or she needs and digging deep to discover unhealed wounds from the past which build walls between them.
Sometimes, that's still not enough. We need to go beyond communicating to change the relationship. Susan Page wrote a book entitled If We're So In Love, Why Aren't We Happy? In that book she discusses old ways and beliefs of interacting and proposes new ways to provide loving actions. One example is the belief, "I'll be happy when my partner changes." We therefore set out to change them. They need to think, believe and do things the right way; i.e., our way.
Sometimes we'll even do this unconsciously. I remember believing my husband would certainly be enriched if I provided another viewpoint. If he was a Monday night quarterback and pointed out what the Denver Broncos should have done on Sunday, I'd say things like "Well, I'm sure Coach Shannahan is paid very well to figure those things out!" If he complained about drivers hogging the road, I'd think how very negative he was being and declare they might just be having a bad day or something. Of course, when I complained, that was different!
John Gottman talks about the dangers of labeling our partners; some couples in my office say things like "he's so immature and irresponsible." "She's just a nag; nothing ever pleases her." Once we place a label, we begin to see that person through the lens of that description and then we're very upset when he continues to be irresponsible or she hasn't changed her nagging ways. People generally live up to our expectations of them.
One method Susan Page suggests is to practice restraint. I call it, "Zip the Lip." You avoid negative comments, defensive responses and avoid fights. After I decided to change my interactions with my husband, I was amazed at the number of negative, defensive or argumentative statements I had been making. No wonder my husband didn't feel safe to talk intimately with me - he could count on my disagreeing with him which made him feel criticized, judged and attacked. That was not my intention, of course, but it certainly was his experience. Another decision I made was to decide to "be happy rather than right." I focused on what I needed to do for myself, rather than continually wanting him to be different.
After a few weeks of practicing my new resolve, I'm happy to report I loved being happy, and I certainly {heart} my marriage!
Join me in my next blog when I talk about more ways to move beyond communication to change your relationship. Barb
Singles are waiting longer to marry because one of their core beliefs is that you give more than you get in marriage, even though many studies have repeatedly shown that married people are more fulfilled, live longer and have happier, healthier lives. Many couples divorce because of their belief that they've just married the wrong person and if they can just find the right one, they'll make it. Some people marry several times trying to prove that theory; unfortunately, they'll never succeed because it's not true.
How, then, can these two things be accomplished? First of all, more of us need to wear the T-shirts! Begin to talk about the good things in marriage. How often have young people heard, "well, son, better go sow your wild oats now. After you get married, things will change! Daughters hear, "enjoy yourself now; just wait 'til the honeymoon's over!" The message? Single = fun; married = drudgery.
Secondly, all couples need to have a tool chest filled with a variety of instruments they can use at various times. An important tool is understanding and respecting gender differences - men and women think, act and communicate differently. (See my previous blog on "His Brain, Her Brain - What a Difference.") Another tool is to learn your own and your partner's personality type. There are many personality assessments; I like to use the DISC model which categorizes each person's dominant personality characteristic as dominant, interactive, stable and cautious.
Then there are communication tools. I often teach couples to use the "Speaker - Listener" exercise in truly hearing what the other is saying. Most often, couples in trouble don't really listen - each just waits for an opportunity to express what is the real truth. There are other tools; learning your spouse's love language, what he or she needs and digging deep to discover unhealed wounds from the past which build walls between them.
Sometimes, that's still not enough. We need to go beyond communicating to change the relationship. Susan Page wrote a book entitled If We're So In Love, Why Aren't We Happy? In that book she discusses old ways and beliefs of interacting and proposes new ways to provide loving actions. One example is the belief, "I'll be happy when my partner changes." We therefore set out to change them. They need to think, believe and do things the right way; i.e., our way.
Sometimes we'll even do this unconsciously. I remember believing my husband would certainly be enriched if I provided another viewpoint. If he was a Monday night quarterback and pointed out what the Denver Broncos should have done on Sunday, I'd say things like "Well, I'm sure Coach Shannahan is paid very well to figure those things out!" If he complained about drivers hogging the road, I'd think how very negative he was being and declare they might just be having a bad day or something. Of course, when I complained, that was different!
John Gottman talks about the dangers of labeling our partners; some couples in my office say things like "he's so immature and irresponsible." "She's just a nag; nothing ever pleases her." Once we place a label, we begin to see that person through the lens of that description and then we're very upset when he continues to be irresponsible or she hasn't changed her nagging ways. People generally live up to our expectations of them.
One method Susan Page suggests is to practice restraint. I call it, "Zip the Lip." You avoid negative comments, defensive responses and avoid fights. After I decided to change my interactions with my husband, I was amazed at the number of negative, defensive or argumentative statements I had been making. No wonder my husband didn't feel safe to talk intimately with me - he could count on my disagreeing with him which made him feel criticized, judged and attacked. That was not my intention, of course, but it certainly was his experience. Another decision I made was to decide to "be happy rather than right." I focused on what I needed to do for myself, rather than continually wanting him to be different.
After a few weeks of practicing my new resolve, I'm happy to report I loved being happy, and I certainly {heart} my marriage!
Join me in my next blog when I talk about more ways to move beyond communication to change your relationship. Barb
4 comments:
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Great posting Barb......I still must be reminded of the things you said all the time. It doen't happen over night. I mean the thinking and reacting differently. Leilani
The world is lucky to have you. I'm proud to be related to you. I'm sharing this with my Happily Married Clients.
Shelly~
I want one of those T-shirts, Barb!
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