"Instead" In Action - Building a Bridge

Imagine, if you will, two bodies of water. One represents pain, problems or persistent, negative ways of acting, believing and living. Therefore, this body of water may appear as a mud puddle, a slimy pond or a huge lake where the Loch Ness Monster lurks beneath the surface!

The other body of water is clear, sparkling and inviting, holding forth promises of a better life of health, confidence, and rewarding relationships. However, it seems far away and there's no obvious way to get there.

The solution? A bridge...the Bridge of "Instead." The key and first step to get from the murky water of what you don't like to that inviting promise of clear sailing is to decide what you want "instead."

Often we get stuck as we continue to focus on what's wrong; we complain, we get angry, we feel sorry for ourselves. That activity keeps us in a whirlpool, leading nowhere. So the very first thing after learning God's truths "instead" is to become very clear about what you want. Some examples might be: "I want a better job, a healthier body, a more satisfying relationship, more money...." the list could go on and on! But already you're preparing to start construction.

When you build a "Bridge of Instead," let me point out that it's YOU who does the work - there's no wishing, hoping or praying that your spouse will change, that your job will become more satisfying, that co-workers will start treating you with respect or that you will finally find the magical pill which erases all evidence of poor past decisions.

Nope, this is a bridge that gets erected one small change at a time. Let me give you an example. "Sue" wished desperately for a better relationship with her mother as they hadn't spoken in years after many incidents of abuse, anger and hurtful words. After waiting for apologies which never came, Sue felt hopeless and stuck in muddy water.

She began to build her Bridge of Instead by working on forgiveness. This process of grieving past hurts and once again re-living painful memories is like "emotional throwing up." However, just as physical throwing up gets rid of what's making us sick, emotional throwing up does the same. Once and for all, Sue wrote about all the emotions, all the events and all the residual hurt she had toward her mother.

After placing this first plank on her "Instead Bridge," she then began the thorough process of forgiving each of these incidents, laying more planks, one at a time. By the time Sue forgave her mother, then herself for carrying this burden around for so long, and stated how her life would be different, her bridge was complete.

Had her mother apologized? No. Forgiveness is for our benefit, regardless of what the "other" does. it's why the Bible is so adamant about the command to forgive; God knows we're the ones who benefit. And Sue was no exception. She reported such inner freedom long before she actually had an encounter with her mother that the meeting was anti-climatic. However, as so often happens, when you change, things begin to change around you. Sue and her mother reconciled.

There are other bridge-making materials; some examples include setting boundaries, developing disciplines or identifying that trauma in your life which started an existence of addiction or other destructive behaviors. When you're faced with an ugly, wet river filled with what you don't like, remember you can build a bridge to the other side. Just start with what you want "Instead."