“Uh oh,” I mused. “A man calling for marriage counseling – doesn’t sound good.”
My years of experience have taught me that by the time a man calls about his marriage, things have gotten to a desperate point. His wife, after repeated efforts to repair the relationship, has given up. She’s already gone or is thinking about going. She’s done.
He, however, often feels things will work themselves out, or “she’s just in a mood” and besides, “real men don’t ask for help, right?” Many men adhere to the old adage, “I told you I loved you when I married you; if it changes, I’ll let you know.” That hasn't changed on his part, so he assumes it's the same on her side; he does nothing and quickly forgets any concerns his wife brings up. (As you’ll read later, his brain actually helps him out in this process.) Time goes by, and she stops asking.
He thinks, “Oh good! We’re fine now.” No, that just means she’s begun the process of giving up. If he’s lucky, and wants to save his marriage, he’ll take some action before the giving up morphs into going away.
Such was the case with “John,” who called my office for help. For several months he came alone. When his wife finally agreed to join him, she stated she’d felt alone for years, that there was “no connection” between the two of them. They were contemplating separation or divorce.
Both agreed lack of communication was a gigantic problem, and we began to discuss the differences between men and women’s communication styles and entirely unique ways of thinking and perceiving information.
In my workshop, “His Brain, Her Brain,” people find one of the fascinating differences in men and women is blood flow patterns. Men use one side of their brain at a time, thereby ensuring great focus and concentration on one project, one fact, one thing at a time. In order to change directions, the blood flow has to move to the other side of the brain. For example, a man thinks on one side, moves to the other side to talk, then back again to listen. He gets exhausted!
Women have 40% more connective tissue, however, and therefore are the queens of multi-tasking, enabling them to cook the dinner, watch the kids, listen to the news and talk to their mates! They keep talking about problems in order to work them out in their own minds, and the super-highway emotional bridges between both sides of her brain ensures many more words and an ever-present wide range of feelings. She’s just getting started!
Guess where problems arise? When women expect men to talk to them, remember everything and work on their projects at the same time. I remember watching in amazement when my husband drove right past our exit while we were having a conversation. We’d lived in that town for years! How could he not see it just because we’re talking?
My years of experience have taught me that by the time a man calls about his marriage, things have gotten to a desperate point. His wife, after repeated efforts to repair the relationship, has given up. She’s already gone or is thinking about going. She’s done.
He, however, often feels things will work themselves out, or “she’s just in a mood” and besides, “real men don’t ask for help, right?” Many men adhere to the old adage, “I told you I loved you when I married you; if it changes, I’ll let you know.” That hasn't changed on his part, so he assumes it's the same on her side; he does nothing and quickly forgets any concerns his wife brings up. (As you’ll read later, his brain actually helps him out in this process.) Time goes by, and she stops asking.
He thinks, “Oh good! We’re fine now.” No, that just means she’s begun the process of giving up. If he’s lucky, and wants to save his marriage, he’ll take some action before the giving up morphs into going away.
Such was the case with “John,” who called my office for help. For several months he came alone. When his wife finally agreed to join him, she stated she’d felt alone for years, that there was “no connection” between the two of them. They were contemplating separation or divorce.
Both agreed lack of communication was a gigantic problem, and we began to discuss the differences between men and women’s communication styles and entirely unique ways of thinking and perceiving information.
In my workshop, “His Brain, Her Brain,” people find one of the fascinating differences in men and women is blood flow patterns. Men use one side of their brain at a time, thereby ensuring great focus and concentration on one project, one fact, one thing at a time. In order to change directions, the blood flow has to move to the other side of the brain. For example, a man thinks on one side, moves to the other side to talk, then back again to listen. He gets exhausted!
Women have 40% more connective tissue, however, and therefore are the queens of multi-tasking, enabling them to cook the dinner, watch the kids, listen to the news and talk to their mates! They keep talking about problems in order to work them out in their own minds, and the super-highway emotional bridges between both sides of her brain ensures many more words and an ever-present wide range of feelings. She’s just getting started!
Guess where problems arise? When women expect men to talk to them, remember everything and work on their projects at the same time. I remember watching in amazement when my husband drove right past our exit while we were having a conversation. We’d lived in that town for years! How could he not see it just because we’re talking?
Women expect the men in their lives to talk about problems so they’ll be fixed. That's the way the female sex handles them. Will men discuss those things? Nope, the guys just get more stressed talking about "issues."
Likewise, when men expect women to “get over it,” to forget it if it’s not important in the moment, and not be so darn emotional, that’s a set-up for disaster. Basically, each gender is asking, like Rex Harrison in My Fair Lady, “Why can’t a woman be more like a man?” She pleads, “Why can’t he be more like me?”
And since each expects the other to completely understand their own perceptions and frame of reference; misunderstandings, hurt, rejection and feelings of abandonment are commonly what show up in the counseling office.
I remember feeling so hurt when I wanted to talk to my husband about many problems at work. (Actually, I just wanted him to listen and say, “oh you poor baby”). When he told me to “just quit,” he felt he’d done his job as provider and protector – after all, no job is worth such stress! To be met with, not appreciation and gratefulness, but with resentment and anger was certainly not what he expected.
By the same token, for years when I stopped being appreciative and instead pointed out primarily what he was doing wrong, I was dismayed when my husband began to stop sharing his deepest thoughts with me. Doesn’t he want to make things better? Can’t we have the close, intimate relationship we once had?
Although there was much work to be done in John’s marriage – he mainly had to start paying attention – to her and she had to stop – complaining about him - having an understanding of what made the other tick was a beginning. I encourage you to find out more about that other person’s brain –(there are many excellent resources from which to draw,) and begin to appreciate the differences, be grateful for the good (remember the 90:10 rule?) and see what changes you can make in yourself. (i.e., – say nothing negative for 1 day, focus on your own goals and be happy without your spouse needing to be different)
That way, you may never have to hear a counselor say, “uh oh, doesn’t sound good.”
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